how playing jenga with my faith is going..

over the past year and a half, i've been working on rebuilding my foundation.

may i just say, it's been incredibly hard, frustrating, and painful, but the reward has been so great.

maybe in my childhood, i missed some of the more important lessons. or maybe...

i was truly never taught the most important things?

i'm grateful for the church i grew up in, the memories that were made and the fun times had. but it's also difficult to my shake bitterness regarding the weight of expectations and some of the frameworks that were given to me without the ability to question their true meaning and purpose.

a few weeks ago during my internship, i participated in taking a little personality quiz that gives you a color and shows you what you feel created to do. the main objective of the color i tested as (with a 67%, i may add) was to do good morally.

i find this idea of moral good popping up very consistently in my life.

if i'm being genuine, i think the main reason for this is the amount of hypocrisy i've seen firsthand in the church, especially in myself.

-- it's hard seeing people who you look up to and value not acting in accordance with their words. it's even worse feeling guilty for not doing exactly what they see as the correct option. it's hard to hear how you supposedly are not doing what God has in store for you when you have the best intentions in mind.

a lot has changed for me and within me in the last four years. as i've taken the time to pause, reflect, and grow, i've had to come to terms with painful things. i've challenged my own beliefs and had to own up to areas where i've done wrong. i've had to realize the weight i was carrying from keeping others' opinions in mind.

i've had to allow myself the grace to grow, with Jesus and my family being the only people i could trust along the way.

speaking of trusting my family, in March of 2022, i got my first tattoo. my sister drew it, so that's special enough as it is. however, the lightbulb with flowers inside acts as a reminder to me that, while my purpose is to be a light of truth, i also need to continue growing and pursue the best version of myself so i can love others well and deeply.

while it can be daunting to stare this purpose in the face day in and day out, it has been my continued growth and the realization of the truth of Christ that has continue to propel me forward.

as we approach Christmas, i think it's time to address something in the church:

-- the angry and vengeful God of the Old Testament is not the God who reigns today. through the birth of His Son, God was sent down, walking alongside others, healing and serving them. God provided a sacrifice so that He could put His hurt (coming from the depth of His love for us) aside, truly loving us to a point beyond what anyone can comprehend.

-- the only caveat to God's grace is between the believer and Christ himself, and the ask that we simply believe in His forgiveness and compassion, that we grab hold of His strong right hand. there is not anything stating that Christians then get to take God's angry fist against each other or any non-believers. in fact, that angry fist of God was laid to rest at the fulfillment of His promise through Jesus' victory. God's expectation of us isn't to judge others but to use our gifts to show the genuine love of Christ to others. this includes learning to love people as individuals, exactly as they are, without shoving shaming grace down others throats in a way that only leaves them more wounded than they originally walked out. it's not enough to love others and have a strong conviction and personal belief - we need to learn how to love others visibly and intentionally.

-- God's grace is bigger than any right or wrong choice made, bigger than the rebellion and the mistakes we made in our past. sometimes choices are choices and God will use our actions regardless of the outcome. at the end of the day, God knows how to use every piece, as long as we allow Him to use all of our broken pieces.

-- if living in legalism has taught me anything, it's that you don't understand the true and genuine nature of God's deep love for you, especially if legalism has felt like the only choice since the beginning.

in order to no be an outcast, i've made plenty of choices and said many things that i no longer stand by. the weight of expectation i've felt has guided so many of my actions, but what really kills me now is my awareness of blind obedience.

as i have continued to process and redefine myself and my belief systems, i can only come to the conclusion that i desire it for all others who feel in this deep pit of despair or shame. i want to remind others that it is healthy to question your beliefs. pay attention to the pit in your stomach and the distaste you may feel, because that could mean your morale is sending you signals to (re)evaluate your systems of belief.

i aim to stay true to my word.

i aim to be held accountable for my actions.

i aim to live a life that i can be proud of, that i can be known as a person of integrity.

i'm laying down some of my old gravesclothes, feeling lighter already, knowing my true worth, and giving myself the respectable boundaries to say no.