depth

seeing that word may have caused some of you discomfort.

and for a while now, i've been asking why.

you see, we as humans are made for deep connection and friendship. it is in our nature to want sincere relationships, where people know us to our core. they can sit with us in our pain and dance with us in our victory.

but there's a conflict in this as well.

before i reveal that conflict, i have a question that i want you to think about:

when's the last time you asked someone "how are you" and expected an answer other than "good" or even "okay"?

(do you see where i'm headed here?)

society has made us believe in so many lies. the one i continue to be burdened by is the idea that relationships are fulfilled through the passing and empty questions, not heavy and intentional conversations.

granted, not all of these conversations are going to be heavy or end up that way.

but don't you wonder, in a time where mental illness rates are at an all-time high, along with screen-time, where the honesty is?

if you answered the question above with an answer other than "the last time i asked it", can i challenge you with the idea that you are going about relationships wrong?

before i continue, please know this is not coming from a perfect person. this is a challenge to me as well, and by writing this publicly, i hope you hold me accountable.

one of the things that i've noticed is how quickly we like to fill the gaps. whether it's with words, music, our social media, you name it. we like to escape. i think something we forget, though, is that other human beings are too precious for us to run by.

by saying this, i'm not discounting the busy moments in life, where you seem to be on-the-go all the time.

i'm just wondering, when we settle down after a long day, week, month, even year...

what would happen if we listened for names or looked for faces of the people we have quickly passed by?

what would happen if we didn't fill the awkward pause in the conversation with a "how about that weather" or "welp" and a knee slap signaling it's time to go?

how many people would be grateful for the slowdown of someone really sitting with them, simply being present?

there are also situations where people are unable to do that simply because they're not in the mental state. i want to release the expectation for those of you who are in this place and remind you that it's okay for you to skip asking and answering the question. it's okay to not be okay. it's not okay for others to expect you to always have that "good" answer, or even an answer in general.

so many of us miss out on the beautiful deep because we're so caught up in the expected shallow.

i think there's two possible solutions to the problem at hand:

it's okay and normal to not ask the question "how are you?".

there are so many better conversation fillers, especially those in passing! a simple "nice to see you" or "what's the vibe today" or even "what's new" are all so much better than the three word question so many people dread being asked.

expect a different answer.

we need to get better at dealing with the uncomfortable. because it's a societal norm, answering something other than "good" or "okay" will help us to exercise the muscles to slow down, listen, and be intentional. even if it's a negatively-connotated word, the emotion is valid. responding "busy", "sad", or "upset" is perfectly reasonable and should be welcomed. if it's not welcomed by the person you're talking to, i give you permission to step away.

it is not up to other people to decide what emotions are acceptable or not. we all face different situations, we all react to them differently, and we are all unique. these are universal facts.

we all want to be validated in our emotions, and we all want the relationships in which we can freely share with others. in order to change the current narrative, we're going to have to get uncomfortable. because the truth is, comfort can easily make us complacent. (speaking from experience).

my last "words of wisdom", especially to the church:

we have a responsibility to our neighbors. we are carriers of God's light and love. in walking in His spirit, we are meant to validate others and their emotions. we are meant to sit with them in their struggle. sometimes, that can cause us to struggle too. taking care of ourselves mentally looks different to everyone. to some, this might mean they need to see a licensed professional counselor. through carrying out the commission of Christ, there is also a responsibility to our own personal health and as long as it's healthy and healing, there is no wrong choice.

let's get back to true relationship, true community, and true depth.